2019 annual awards

Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn’t far behind.

Arthur Smith

ROLL up for the first ever Oh West Ham We Love You awards listing. Whether you don evening dress and stroll up our cyber red carpet with a glass of Roederer Cristal or sit at home in curry-stained jim-jams nursing an eight-pint hangover is entirely up to you. Either way, enjoy our for the most part not to be taken seriously, list of winners.

The Allen McKnight Services to Goalkeeping Award: Roberto Jimenez

The Matt Taylor “Now You’re A Midfielder You’re Actually Quite Good” Award: Robert Snodgrass

The John Moncur “What Have I Got to Do to Get A Game” Award: Issa Diop

The Steve Potts “You May Not Be the GOAT but We’ll Always Love You” Award: David Martin

The Rio Ferdinand “If I Ever Get Out of This Place I’ll Be Brilliant” Award: Sebastien Haller

The Edinburgh Trams Project Completed On Time Award: The London Stadium Wi-Fi

The Peggy Mitchell “Get Out of My Pub!” Award: Manuel Pellegrini

The Prince Andrew Popularity Award: David Sullivan

The Piazza San Marco Venice Award for Reasonably Priced Catering: The London Stadium

The Piers Morgan “Somebody, Anybody, Please Shut Them the Fuck Up” Award: Karren Brady

The Billy Bonds Don’t Make Me Manager and Ruin My Playing Reputation Award: Mark Noble

The Glen Johnson “Please Come Back We Need You” Award: Grady Diangana

The Mind Your Language Speaking Foreign Award: Arthur Masuaku

The Carlton Cole “He’s Shit, No He Isn’t, Yes He Is, Oh, I Don’t Know” Award: Aaron Cresswell

The Traffic Warden Association Helpfulness Award: The London Stadium Stewards

The Aleksandr Orlov Meerkat “Simples” Award for Only Popping Up on Twitter When West Ham Win: David Gold

The Lucky Jim, “Oh Look I’ve Won the Lottery Again” Award for Tickets to Games Inside the M25: Sean Whetstone. Runners-Up: The rest of the OSB

The Jonathan Calleri I Run About but I’m Really Shit Award: Albian Ajeti

The Pravda Award for Services to Naked Propaganda: Claret and Hugh

The Michael Carrick “Yeah, I Love This Place but I Need to Be Off For the Sake of My Sanity” Award: Declan Rice

The Windows Vista Look What A Brilliant Upgrade Award: The Dildodome

The Hackney Marshes “Do I Change in My Car?” Award: Rush Green Training Ground

The Joey Essex Brains Trust Award: Head of Media Relations Ben Campbell for his work with KUMB

The Gary Neville This Is How Modern Football Works Award: Expected Goals

The Fleabag “We Really Love You, Please Come back” Award: The H List

The Donald Trump Rage Tweeter of the Year Award: OSB Chair David Baker

The George Galloway “If You Dare Argue With a Single Word I say, I’ll Block You” Award: Also OSB Chair David Baker

The Emirates Air Line Greenwich Cable Car Award for A Spectacular Waste of Money: Mario Husillos

The Lord Lucan Where In the World Is He Award: Jack Wilshere

The MySpace Useful Technology Award: VAR

The Rowan Atkinson Award for Joyously Smashing Up a High Performance Car: Michail Antonio

All that remains is for us to say a big thank you to Twitter accounts The H List, West Ham Rambles, Mike Cawston and West Ham Geezer in particular, but all of you for your likes, retweets and comments. Massive thanks too to Graeme at KUMB for accepting us as a contributor to his excellent website.

Wishing everybody a happy and healthy New Year!